i need to tell you something.

so carl just told me that dreaded phrase: "i need to tell you something". i panicked. what could it be? does he want to break up? did he find someone else? is he cheating on me? does he want to move out? does he hate me? does he think i'm fat? why isn't he answering me?

no. i was way wrong.

"so i have this spoon at work that i use to eat yogurt in the mornings. right now i'm using it to stir my coffee. so as i was stirring it, i saw that there was something written on the handle... it says 'laptop lunches'. i have your laptop lunches spoon. i'm sorry".

"UGH!" i said. "i have been looking for it! i knew the fork was in the kitchen!"

"well i found it," he said.

i hate him. for having my spoon.

welp. i guess i'm going to the gym with carl.

we skipped our morning workout today. but i am trying to make myself go tonight - however, i don't do well with motivating myself to work-out after work. so, i told carl he has to help make me. negative nancy has been encouraging, too.

me (to carl): you HAVE to make me go tonight.

carl: i'm going to the gym tonight. and taking the car.

me: the car?

carl: your car. and im shutting off all the power in the house. and im going to pack up all the tvs. and the dvrs. and the couch. so you have to come with me.

gum does not make things better.

i stormed into mr. t's office and told him, "i can't deal with him anymore".

"what?" he asked. "who's there?"

i told him it was my boss, and i told him why.

mr. t tried to give me a piece of gum. um. no.

"no!" i said and left.

a few minutes later, he came into my office and tried to give me the piece of gum again (i guess technically it could have been a different piece of gum). he tossed it on my desk, and i threw it him.

i continued working, and he smacked my knuckle with his knuckle. wtf.

wishy-washy?

this morning carl and i were talking about optimism. a book said that you should be an eternal optimist. carl said he disagrees with that.

"i think that's very wishy-washy," he said.

um. what?

i asked him if he knows what "wishy-washy" means, and he said, "i guess not :)"

i told him it means "indecisive". and he said, "oh. i guess i mean cheesy."

sake margarita!

my first sake margarita. it was okay. better than a regular margarita because those are usually too sweet for me. please ignore carl trying to hold up his napkin to create a black background.

wtf.

i just had to call mr. t because the guy from the shredding company is here with three new bins and wanted to know where they go. so, mr. t said "they can go by the pink ones. you know, the ones you  hate. maybe they can marry each other."

white cake. with raspberry salad dressing :)

at a dinner auction, slices of white and chocolate cake were dessert. there was raspberry salad dressing on the table, too. it looked yummy. so, i poured it on the white cake. it did not taste yummy.

funny coworker email of the day.

i had recently emailed a co-worker some possible times for a meeting she is trying to set up. she wrote back that none of those will work and asked if i could send more.

i asked her to remind me what times i had already sent because i can't find my email to her.

she replied, "Oct. 1 at 4 p.m. and Oct. 17 at 4 p.m. I will be home tomorrow with the plumbers identifying their brands of underwear."

HAHAHAHAHA. nice.

Yum!

awkwardness at chipotle.

carl and i just went to chipotle for a quick lunch. we sat out on the patio because its super nice and not 100 degrees finally. a few minutes later, a lady came out the door and said. to us.

"oh man you guys picked the worst seat! you're sitting right outside the door, and someone could just open that door and come right out here and rip ass, and then you have to smell it!"

we played along and laughed. she held the door open for what looked like her husband and her daughter. one of them asked what she was laughing at. she repeated what she had told us.

"i was just telling them they got the worst seat out here! someone could come out the door and fart, and then they're stuck here smellin' poo!" she said.

"oh my god. no," said the "daughter".

"well they laughed," said the lady.

i need a poof.

carl: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=WYjHXmxcBAk

me: THAT IS A HAMSTER

carl: no... that is what you want. a poof.

losers.

carl, mr. t, and i are running a 10k tomorrow. carl is in mr. t's office, and i asked them if they plan to race each other tomorrow. carl told mr. t that i usually run a 10-minute mile.

"im not concerned about my speed," i said.

"that's what all losers say," mr. t said.

awesome.

bloody mary

carl ordered a bloody mary at sushi last night (who orders a bloody mary at a sushi restaurant???). it was gross, according to both of us. so he added sarachi (sp?) sauce to it, and then he loved it, but i still thought it was nasty. the end.

the tiny lamps.

i was SO excited when they arrived when i was at home on my lunch break. but they are wayyyyy too small. i'll return them and try again!

because my health screen was so boring...

i'm going to start smoking. then, next year i'll have something to measure.

just kidding. smoking is gross.

carl doesn't need any new planner supplies.

i ran out of notepad paper for my planner but have been unable to find the one i want online. i asked carl if we could go to the planner store tonight. he agreed. i kept looking online and finally found the notepad i want.

me: i just looked. they dont carry in stores

carl: Ok, so we don't need to go the franklin store then

?

me: no

unless you want to just shop for planner stuff

carl: Unless i want to?

me: yes

carl: uh honey? Are you kidding?

me: no

carl: I think im satisified with my current level of planner material

cool sunset pic.

family weekend at the lake!

tampons don't belong on the kitchen table, honey.

at our lake trip this weekend, i unpacked my suitcase only to find my lotion had leaked out into my make-up bag AND RUINED EVERYTHING (not really). i emptied everything out. carl proceeded to tell me tampons don't belong on the kitchen table.

not sure if i should admit this publicly.

today i ate three chipotle burritos at lunch. on a dare. if i didn't do it, i would have had to buy carl a video game. since i did do it, he has to buy me a dress, and he has to clean the inside of my car. about four years ago, i ate two burritos in 36 minutes on a dare. today the challenge was to eat three in under an hour.

the first one went down quickly and deliciously. the first half of the second one went down the same.

at the halfway point, i started to doubt myself. the burritos weren't tasting the same. the flavors were accentuated. i finished the second burrito and started the third. i could barely swallow the second half of the third burrito - i had to take a drink of water to get the food to go down. i finished right at the one-hour mark. YIKES.

dr. phil.

carl went up the hill today and came back with a present for me! after much debate with kaka on a name, i chose dr. phil.

my first painting project.

i found some paint in the garage that turned out to be good, so i decided to paint the linen closet. it was an off-white with lots of scuff marks and other random marks.

(i added the plastic drawers at the bottom.)

why i bought this house...

a.k.a. my closet.

in my price range and area of housing, large closets are very, very rare. in the areas i was looking for a house, most are pretty old - built in the 50s - and don't have much closet space. so, when i saw this, i knew it had to be mine!

the shelving on the left was existing. my dad came over and built the shelving on the right. i added the dresser :)

the couch that takes up the whole living room!

when the delivery guys walked into the house, they asked, "um. is it going in here? its going to take up the whole room!" yes. that was my goal.

you are beautiful.

NAVY PIER!

one of my favorite places. ever.

cool sunset pic at hannah's party.

turning on your mom.

carl sent a text to his roommate asking him to turn on his xbox for him so it could download stuff he set up online. his response?

i'll turn on your mom.

i laughed out loud.

the equivalent of relaxing.

i don't feel very well today, but this is not a complaint post. i've been trying to decide if i should leave work early or stay. carl and i rode together, so i asked if he would take me home or if i'd have to come back to get him.

i told him i probably wouldn't leave early because i have some work to do. he asked how much work i had to do and suggested i get the important stuff done so i can leave.

carl: and then i will take you home.
carl: because you need to go home and relax.
carl: er.... whatever your equivalent of relaxing is :)
me: haha... what is my equivalent?
carl: you do the puzzle. or organize.
me: like what do i do or look like when i'm relaxing?
carl: you look like you're doing stuff.
carl: but its stuff you like.

warning: GROSS and MORBID.

carl and i go for a walk sometimes at lunch. every day, he forgets about this little guy and almost steps on him. so, i sent a photo of this to mr. t. he was grossed out, too.

the countdown is on.

i have 1 month, 4 days, 2 hours, and 46 minutes until closing on this house. i need major distractions.

department complaint.

i just emailed mr. t with a complaint about our department. he didn't read it at first, so i re-sent it marking it "high priority". he still didn't read it. so i told him he needed to read my email. i guarantee you the reason he wasn't reading it is that the subject was "department complaint". here's what it said:

dear sir -
i must say i am displeased with the service in this department. i try to be your bff, and you flip me off. that really hurts me, brotha. i try to send you wonderful emails, and you accuse me of trying to cause a seizure. what do i need to do to have a friend around here? i came to our department hoping to make tons of friends, not to work. please address the situation immediately.
-jackie-

he finally replied offering his sincere apologies and said he will adjust his behavior and attitude. he signed it, "your bff". phew.

charging rent.

yesterday as i was leaving work, mr. t asked if he could keep his rice in my refrigerator in my office. i said sure.

he said, "well you did kick my sprite out of your room!"

my room? you mean my fridge?

tyra banks has a big forehead.

i like to flip off mr. t. carl told me i need to be more creative about it. so, i went in there with a file folder and told him i needed his signature on something. and then flipped him off.

he told me to be careful because he has plenty of weapons and will start throwing things at me. he picked up a stapler. i said, "a stapler is not a weapon."

he said it is if he throws it at me. and it will hit me smack in my big forehead.

i said, "i don't have a big forehead!"

"a plane can land on that thing!" he said.

i laughed. "i do NOT have a big forehead!"

"have you checked yourself?!" he asked.

then he sent an email to carl and me with the subject "boeing 767 can land".

so carl came in here and asked if that was about me.

i told mr. t that tyra banks has a big forehead; not me. carl said hers is so big its a five-head. lame.

TMI from carl.

i told carl i needed a snack and asked if he wanted to come to the vending machine with me. his response?

carl (9:04:36 AM): i need a poop
carl (9:04:37 AM): hahaha
carl (9:04:38 AM): pop

im awesome.

carl and i went to the zoo today. as we were walking in from the parking lot, i commented, "there must be something special going on here today; everyone is wearing green."

carl said, "um. its st. patrick's day."

oops.

on a side note, at the bald eagle exhibit, someone had written MERICA on the little plaque explaining bald eagles.

im going to chase mr. t.

this morning in our administrative meeting, i wrote a note to mr. t that i ran 12.75 miles yesterday (side note, i did walk for some of that).

later, i was in his office, and he asked how i find motivation to do that. i told him it usually helps me to have a destination. last week i ran (literally) home from my grandma's house. yesterday i ran to my sister's house.

i told him of a co-worker who said a million dollars wouldn't even motivate her to run four miles. i suggested maybe he needs a million dollars to be motivated to run.

then i came up with the best idea ever.

"i'll chase you," i said. "that will motivate you to run."

he laughed.

talking in my sleep...

this morning carl asked me if i remembered talking to him last night about the lady upstairs. i did not.

he said he thinks he woke up because he could feel me staring at him.

when he woke up, i told him i wanted him to write a note. he asked me what i wanted the note to say.

he said i wanted the note to say, "thank you for not exercising late at night and early in the morning."

then i stopped.

he asked, "and what else?"

"i'm sleeping," i said.

used dog?

i've been telling carl i want a dog lately. a small poofy guy.

i don't remember what his comment was that led to this, but i said, "no, i can just get a used one."

and he started LAUGHING. and laughing. and laughing.

i had no idea why.

apparently it is not politically correct to call a dog "used" if it has had a previous owner.

i asked if "pre-owned" is a better term, and he said no. and so did kaka. and mr. t. so, i lose.

mr. t's sneeze.

as i was walking back to my office from refilling my water bottle, mr. t sneezed REALLY loudly. i went in his office to make sure he's okay.

"that felt so good," he said. "i sprinkled myself."

the sweet thing carl did for me today...

on instant messenger, i told carl, "brb. time to go make popcorn."

and i walked my happy little butt over to the microwave. when i was about six feet away from the microwave, carl came running (literally) up to the microwave and put his ramen noodles in it.

jack. ass.

after a minute, he did take his food out so that i could microwave my popcorn. amen.

i messed up big time.

a fax came through my fax machine for mr. t. 20 pages. when the 20th page came through, i walked them across the hall to his office. i came back to my own office. another fax came through - 15 more pages regarding the same patient. when the 15th page came through, i walked them across the hall to mr. t and told him it was another fax for the same patient.

his response?

"you messed up big time."

"what?" i asked.

"you didn't keep the pages together. you messed up big time. you need to do better next time."

"i will do better next time. i'm sorry. i'm gonna go close my door and cry in my office for a bit," i said.

"yes, i'm sure you will deal with it," he said. "i'm sure you are pretty traumatized."

so, here i sit. in my office. with the door closed. pretending to cry.

pep talk with mr. t

i was just in mr. t's office talking about remote start for my car. he asked how i know the car has started. i told him its a pretty loud engine, so usually i can hear it start.

he asked if i'm going to keep my car forever. i told him, "yeah, i mean, i kept my old car for 11 years."

he asked if i eat in my car. i told him, "eh. i'm not anal about it, but i don't encourage it."

i told him how i clean my car every sunday, and that when i got rid of my old car, the interior was immaculate.

he said, "man, you really have some issues you need to work through."

a compliment from carl.

last night carl told me, "you're like an enigma to me. you have the attention span of a goldfish, yet you do so great at your job."

thanks!...... i think?

hey playa.

this morning i left my apartment around 8 a.m. for work. carl said he'd leave around 8:30 to get to work at 9. at 10:05 a.m., i realized i hadn't heard from him, so i texted him to make sure he was okay. i was pretty sure he had either fallen asleep or was playing video games... but you never know.

he finally got to work around 10:30. he told me he was getting ready to walk out the door, when his xbox started calling his name. "hey playa," it said. he was just going to play one game and ended up playing for awhile.

i was emailing this story to kaka, when carl added, "its kinda like when you go to the store and start shopping. the clothes talk to you until you buy them". right.

why i love carl.

carl (2:41:52 PM): beth is here
me (2:41:57 PM): did you talk to her
carl (2:43:22 PM): no
carl (2:43:25 PM): she was busy with tracey
carl (2:43:27 PM): tracie
me (2:44:47 PM): im ready to leave.
carl (2:44:59 PM): but can you leave?
me (2:49:46 PM): no
me (2:50:43 PM): i want to punch someone
carl (2:50:49 PM): why
me (2:50:58 PM): b/c im not a 60 year old lady
carl (2:51:10 PM): no....
carl (2:51:15 PM): why doy ou think youre a 60 year old lady
me (2:51:24 PM): can i just tell you it cracks me up that i am in a relationship and am fascinated by advice columns on online dating sites?
me (2:51:29 PM): b/c i have bad bones
carl (2:51:35 PM): honey
carl (2:51:39 PM): you are everywhere right now

run for the hills.

when in a relationship or looking for a romantic partner, some red flags are very obvious. we are going to list some of them. please avoid a person who:

1. has to blow into the breathalyzer thingy just to start his/her car every time (assuming he/she even has a car...).
2. is uber religious.
3. lives with his/her parents.
4. owns more than 2 cats.
5. forgets about a date with you.
6. wears a house arrest bracelet/anklet.
7. screams at the waitress for bringing the wrong drink.
8. tells you he/she is an alcoholic on the first date.
9. looks like a wax figure.
10. calls you his girlfriend on the first date.
11. wears slippers on your first date.
12. would be excited about a pregnancy between the two of you - when you've been dating less than a year.
13. has any misspelled, creepy, weird, or trashy tattoos.
14. shows up drunk to your first date.
15. talks about babies within the first two months of dating.
16. apologizes for your feelings instead of apologizes for what he/she did wrong, i.e. lying.
17. talks about exes on the first date.
18. says he/she hates his/her parents but talks to them daily.
19. is unemployed.
20. wants to meet or discusses meeting parents prior to three weeks of actual relationship.
21. wants to have sex with you when you're sick.
22. wants to have sex with you when they're sick.
23. is employed by any company with XXX, nude, girls, gone, porn in the title.
24. has a questionable family tree.
25. talks about falling in love with you on the first date.
26. creeps out your family/friends.
27. is married.
28. says his sister may have a crush on him.
29. discloses odd fetishes on the first date.
30. is very into politics, and his/her opinions are very different than your own.
31. has exes as friends but says its because he/she is just "that" loving.
32. drives a car that might not make it home.
33. thinks personal hygiene is optional.
34. eats laundry detergent.