im special.

mr. t just walked by my office and said, "i hope you don't drink my sprite. i wrote my name on it."

he was going to put it in the shared refrigerator. i told him i have no use for that fridge because i have my own in my office. he was shocked and asked when that happened. i told him, "about six months ago."

he was impressed. i told him he could keep his sprite in my refrigerator. he said, "i hope you don't drink it."

i showed him my stock of coke zero and told him i had no use for his sprite.

"you are special," he said as he left.

signs of facebook abuse.

1. "like-ing" something on the same person's wall more than twice a week.
2. pics of exes if you are in a new relationship.
3. clicking the "like" button more than four times per day.
4. changing your birthday as a joke.
5. airing dirty laundry.
6. posting results of std testing.
7. naked pregnant belly pics.
8. drama.
9. more than one post per year about an ailment.
10. ambiguous status updates, i.e. "i just hate it when that happens" or "omg, i didnt see that coming".
11. use of LOL.
12. trolling for sympathy.
13. talking shit on other people without directly calling them out.
14. posting information about other people's lives.
15. posting pics that look like they could be pornographic, only to find out its a close-up of a finger in a knee crack.

mr. t's new year's resolution.

mr. t just came in here and told me he went to the gym this morning. for the second time in december. this is only relevant because we belong to the same gym.

i told him that since he came up with my new year's resolution to be less obnoxious, maybe i could come up with his new year's resolution: to go to the gym more.

he said that sounds like a great idea.

cemetery in wichita.

compliments from mr. t

mr. t just called to go over an agenda. then he said he and the boss need to go to target (wtf?). he asked where target was. i told him. he seemed confused and said he doesn't know that area. i asked if the boss would be driving, and he said yes. i asked if the boss knew where target is, and he said no.

"what would you guys do without me?" i asked.

mr. t said, "nothing. we couldn't do anything without you. you and your very dry sense of humor, your smiling face. youre annoying.... gosh, youre a loser."

wonderful.

deerslayer.

i killed a deer this morning :(

i was on my way to the gym at 5 a.m. i was less than a mile from my house. i saw him coming across from the other lanes, so i slammed on my brakes but still hit him. both headlights still worked, so i turned around and went home and called carl.

when i got home, we got a flashlight but didn't see any damage to my car - just some hair in the grill. we both assumed the deer just ran off. on our way to work, we saw the dead deer on the side of the road. oops.

i lost it. realized how lucky i was. the leftovers in my car spilled. carl thinks i'll have whiplash later. my car 1; deer 0.

how to play devil's advocate.

on the way home from work last night, i was on the phone with carl. he asked my advice on two car-related issues. one was, "my gas light is on; should i stop and get gas or do you think i can make it?"

i suggested he stop to get gas. he decided to try to make it home without stopping. i can't remember what the next advice request was, but he opted again to the do the opposite of what i suggested. so, when he asked my advice for a third time, my reply was simply, "i'm not going to offer my advice anymore because you keep just doing the opposite."

his response? "im just playing devil's advocate".

um.... no.

that's not how playing devil's advocate works.

if i were to ask your advice on something, and you were to help me look at it from another perspective, that is you playing devil's advocate.

but to ask for my advice, and when i give it, you simply do the opposite? no. but thanks for trying. i laughed for about 10 minutes and was in tears.

how to know she's "the one"

unless your wife or future wife flashed you her underpants, took your v-card, and made a marriage pact with you, you are destined for divorce. if more couples met at least two of these three criteria, the divorce rate would be much, much lower. i promise.

more clingyness

carl: what are your plans for today?
me: well. my cousins just left. i volunteer from 1-4.
carl: im playin chess with my dad. are you gonna be able to move to volunteer?
me: F U.
carl: im not making fun, jackass. im being serious.
carl: did you weigh this morning?
carl: why dont you pay attention to me anymore?
carl: why do you not have feelings for me?
carl: is it because you found someone else?
carl: did i do something wrong?
carl: can you tell me what i did?
carl: ill try to fix whatever it is. just let me know.
carl: jackie please. talk to me.
carl: fine. this will be my last text.
carl: what did i do?!?!
carl: i dont understand.
carl: why are you doing this?
carl: do you enjoy hurting me?
carl: fine then... i can take a hint.
me: you dont text me enough.
carl: my fingers aren't working because im heartbroken.

dodocase.

i just called mr. t to ask him a question. he answered the phone, "what's up, my dodocase?"

i think the new focus of my blog should be "awesome conversations between mr. t and me".

random ted lilly fact of the day.

his name is theodore roosevelt lilly.

awesome. and super cheesy. or is it cheesey? i dont know. and i dont care. he's still hot.

clingyness is attractive.

disclaimer: i dont know how to spell "clingyness" or if its even a real word. oh well.

carl and i decided that we are going to start being clingy to each other because its funny. and funny is always right.

me: im so bored walking by myself.
me: in other news, i still can't believe i didn't get a ticket on sunday.
me: are you mad at me?
me: can we talk?
me: ???????????
carl: haha very nicely done. except you can't stop. you have to get more crazy as i don't respond to your texts.
me: why haven't you been responding?
me: are you with another female??
me: are you cheating on me?
me: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?????
me: now i get it. you wouldn't go with me because you're a cheater.
me: YOU FUCKING LYING ASSHOLE MOTHERFUCKER.
me: i thought i was special.
me: i thought we had something magical.
me: please give me another chance.
me: i'm desparate.
me: please can we talk about this. i don't know what i did.

the next day:
carl: we're at the plaza now. what are you doing?
me: we're dealing with my stupid washing machine.
carl: we?
carl: who is we?
carl: who is the other person?
carl: is it a dude?
carl: its a fuckin dude, isn't it?
carl: why are you with a dude?
carl: i thought you liked me.
carl: if you like me, why are you with another dude?
carl: what the fuck?
me: haha nice.
carl: quit fucking ignoring me.
carl: why are you laughing?
carl: this isn't a laughing matter.
carl: why do you like to hurt me?
carl: does it make you happy to know im crying?
carl: i hate you.
carl: i dont ever want to see you again.
me: i know.
carl: im sorry. i didnt mean that.
carl: can you just talk to me.
carl: please.

poem.

i like to make fake cards for my co-workers using sample greeting cards that come in the mail. i cross out the generic writing and write my own messages.

well, carl just made me one and wrote:
roses are red
violets are blue
you're pretty awesome
you make good chili, too.

awwwwwwww.

siri.

mr. t has a new friend. siri.

he said to siri, "knock knock!"

siri replied, "i don't understand what you mean by 'not tonight'."

mr. t asked siri, "who is your main squeeze?"

siri replied, "i forgot".

mr. t asked siri, "what are you wearing?"

siri replied saying aluminum casing.

mr. t asked siri, "who's your daddy?"

siri replied, "i don't know what you mean."

i just got hit with a pterodactyl.

first of all, i want to say i have no idea how to spell teradactyl. and i'm too lazy to look it up. and i also want to say that normally i believe children don't belong in public. ever.

last night i had dinner with a cousin, and it was a great time. the waiter asked how old i was. when i told him, his response was, "damn girl, you're old!" wow.

i spent the evening trying to figure out how that could be a compliment. he said its not. then he said, "you're very attractive". so, i guess that makes things okay between us.

the kid at the table behind us was playing with dinosaurs on the ledge between the booths. when i wasn't paying attention to him, he would put a dinosaur in my hair and pull. or he'd poke me in the eye with a dinosaur. it was great.

what happens when a piercing gets ripped out.

rules of making a sex tape.

if you decide its absolutely necessary to make a sex tape, there are a few rules that cletus and i think you MUST follow:

1. destroy it afterward.
2. if you don't destroy it immediately afterward, you need to destroy it if you break up.
3. it is not appropriate to watch it every now and then. or ever.
4. if you do break up and find a new boyfriend/girlfriend, you can not remain friends with the person with whom you made the sex tape. that's not appropriate.
5. if one party wants the tape destroyed, it needs to be destroyed. immediately.
6. if you do break up and quit speaking to each other, it is not appropriate to send a text after a few years saying "hey, we haven't talked in awhile. i still watch that tape every once in awhile."
7. just don't make a sex tape in the first place. nothing good will ever come out of it. ever. its just ammo.

why i'm awesome.

i was looking through my planner today and saw that i had written "genghis khan 1 p.m.!"

wtf??????

i don't remember writing it.

turns out, at happy hour on friday, i made plans with two friends to go to genghis khan today at 1 p.m. yikes. new rule: no writing plans in the planner while intoxicated.

yummmmmy jalapeno burger

eenie meenie minie moe.

eenie meenie minie moe. man dies while trying to catch a tiger by his toe.

caleb and i were talking about the concept of trying to catch a tiger by his toe today. he asked if i thought anyone has ever tried. i told him, "no". he didn't believe me, so he googled it. sure enough, he said he cannot find evidence that anyone has ever tried to catch a tiger by his toe.

caleb said he would be the first, and we both agreed that he'd probably die in the act.

my co-workers and my love life.

today mr. t and sprout decided to humor themselves by giving me an 8.5" x 11" color photo of a doctor we have recruited. they told me to just look at his picture whenever i was stressed out, and it'd be like drinking two martinis. mr. t told me to look at the photo, "and it will be like 'abracadabra!' and everything will be better". seriously? we're having this conversation?

a few minutes later, i emailed them a document to review prior to a meeting. sprout responded, "damn, you're getting to be high maintenance."

sprout wrote back, "don't worry. i sent him your picture, too. he's probably drooling all over it."

i replied, "oh good. i was worried he had already forgotten about me."

i told them this reminds me of the time i went into mr. t's office while he was talking to a guy on speakerphone. mr. t told this guy that i was single. the guy laughed awkwardly. i'm sure he was thinking, "okay? what does that have to do with the annual budget?!"

they got off the phone, and mr. t told me i needed to take a document up to the guy. seriously? after you just told him i'm single? mr. t assured me the guy is cute. i delivered the document to him, and boy, was it awkward.

caffeine free diet mountain dew.

not only does this drink probably have the longest name of any sodas, it also probably has the best flavor. it almost seems like an oxymoron - caffeine free diet mountain dew. mountain dew is most notable for its high caffeine content. so, i've had several people ask me how i can drink caffeine free diet mountain dew. why? because it tastes good. i'm trying to cut back on caffeine, but i still love my dew :)

the right people.

i have acknowledged that fate and karma are not real things. but it doesn't change that i love when the right people seem to come into your life at the right moment. several months ago, a person came into my life who i couldn't write about. i was having a very rough day, and he happened to overhear a conversation. i was so impressed that he later spoke to me when we were alone and told me he had been through a similar situation to what he overheard me talking about.

well, today as i was leaving my cousin's pilates studio, he overheard me telling my cousin that i still don't sleep - i wake up about every two hours. my cousin got summoned by another client and walked away as this gentleman started talking to me. he asked if i was leaving and said he'd walk out with me. normally i am afraid of any male over the age of 35 who is not related to me. but he seemed harmless.

and boy am i glad i walked with him. it meant so much to me that he took the time to offer some advice on breathing and relaxing. he said everyone goes through bad times and life is too short to waste time on them.

jack daniels.

i'm at the lake of the ozarks with at least 15 family members. its quite an interesting place. i got here around 2 p.m. yesterday with my dad.

for christmas, kaka gave The Ex a jack daniels gift set. it has just been sitting in the kitchen. i don't have the heart to waste alcohol, but i don't want to touch it. so i brought it here. i gave the glasses to an aunt and uncle. and my cousin caleb and i drank the whole bottle of jack last night while sitting on rafts in the lake. life doesn't get much better than that.

we befriended two teenage girls (how creepy does that sound?) in the lake and threw around a baseball with them. it was fun. their dad had a radio so we had some nice music in the background.

after dark, we all went inside our cabin and played "catchphrase". that was a lot of fun, too. almost everyone was drunk. and almost everyone is funner when they're drunk. hannah and i went to bed around midnight. i've been up since 3 a.m. caleb said he gets up early, so hopefully i'll have some entertainment soon.

another new favorite hobby.

last night i went on a second date with a guy, JW. he took me to the bullet hole, a local shooting range. i have never even seen a real gun in real life. ever. it was amazing. i shot a revolver and an automatic. and i have NO idea what that means.

these are the two guns i shot:

Revolver:
http://www.smith-wesson.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Product4_750001_750051_764965_-1_757767_757751_757751_ProductDisplayErrorView_Y

Automatic:
http://www.smith-wesson.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Product4_750001_750051_770016_-1_757955_757781_757781_ProductDisplayErrorView_Y

my non-wedding present.

on the day that i thankfully did not get married, my awesome co-workers gave me these little guys. i think they're marbles. they also gave me some hershey kisses so that i had some lovin'. aren't these the cutest little things ever? i'm going to name them.

non-wedding party.

yesterday was the day The Ex and i planned to marry. hmm.... so where is he? i have no clue, thankfully. at first, i wanted to just ignore the day. then, i wanted to take the day off work and go to vegas with kaka and my sister. then, i realized the day had snuck up on me.

i knew i couldn't just ignore the day. i wanted to create a wonderful memory. how do i create wonderful memories? i party. about 25 of my friends/family members came to my dad's house for a non-pool, non-wedding party.

my aunt nora made shots of hot damn and tequila. mixed. together. it BURNED. in a good way. it was quite a party, and i am SO thankful to have my family. amen.

another big fat lemon.

last night kaka and i had dinner and drinks after shopping. she had an electric lemonade with a lemon almost as big as the lemon i previously wrote about.

an old man sitting at another table was wearing sweat pants, a white t-shirt, and tennis shoes. we tried to take his picture (by pretending that kaka was taking my picture), but it didn't turn out well enough to post :( sad panda.

being treated like VIP.

i agreed to help a co-worker with a big retreat today. we worked until midnight last night stuffing packets with handouts. we woke up at 5 this morning to finish up. i'm exhausted. however, the added bonus is that i've been treated like a celebrity.

the manager of marketing at the hotel brought me a 12-pack of diet mountain dew this morning because the hotel doesn't normally carry it, and he knew it was my favorite drink. i have a free hotel room for tonight and last night. and the marketing manager has given my co-worker and me access to free snacks from the gift shop. its been absolutely amazing. maybe i am kind of a big deal.

angelina at the cemetery.

TMI.

mr. t just came in here about a problem with my boss's schedule. i told him he was right - there is a problem. his response?

"i have to go potty. i'll be right back." wonderful.

birthday cake pop.

a co-worker just brought me this birthday cake pop from starbucks. it is absolutely delicious. try one.

what constitutes a senior citizen?

yesterday at my dad's fourth of july pool party, my cousin caleb was talking about senior citizens and age. he made the comment to me, "you're like almost a senior citizen..."

ouch.

"i am not even close to being a senior citizen!" i said to my 20-year-old cousin. "i'm only 30!"

my sister's husband chimed in. "you BROKE YOUR HIP!"

so, i guess i really am a senior citizen already.

my new boyfriend?

at our family reunion yesterday, i made a new best friend. he's three years old, and it was my first time meeting him. here's my relation to him: his dad is my dad's cousin. got it?

several of us were playing a game called "washers". he and his dad came down to watch. somehow, he latched onto me. maybe because i coaxed him to play? he told me he was going back to the shelter house to get a drink. i said, "okay". his response? "you're coming with me, right?" oh sure.

we went up and got his drink. he told me to carry it while we walked - correction, while i walked, and he skipped - back to the washers game. he told me he's a really good skipper, and he practices. 

after playing the game for awhile more, he wanted - actually i think it was me who wanted - to go play something different. we walked back to the shelter house to get his soccer ball. a guy walked by, and my new bff asked innocently, "is that your boyfriend?"

i did not even know how to respond. the guy is 92 years old and was limping to the bathroom using his cane. he is my grandma's brother-in-law.

thankfully, my grandma was standing there and overheard this.

"he might as well be," she said. "he's got a lot of money and is about to die anyway." awesome.

new favorite toy.

i discovered my new favorite toy yesterday. i actually received it as a christmas present in 2009, but i broke my hip shortly after that and never got to use it. until now.

i got a garmin watch. and i finally figured out how to use it and am in love. it tracks my pace, distance, time. when i'm done, it syncs with my computer and shows a graph. i am so freakin' fascinated. i can't believe i didn't discover this sooner!!

my big fat lemon.

last night kaka took me to a dive bar i had never been to. we ordered beer, and i saw a delicious shot called "fruity pebbles", so i had to try it, obviously. it was delicious but didn't taste like fruity pebbles at all! the point of my story is that the lemon on my boulevard wheat was the fattest lemon slice i've seen in my life.

is this acceptable at work?

• is it okay to sit barefoot in my office? i don't want to walk around or anything, but i'd like to take off my shoes while i sit at my desk.
• is it socially acceptable to eat cupcake frosting from the container? we had cupcakes for june birthdays - we provided unfrosted cupcakes and containers of frosting so people could frost their own cupcakes. all of the cupcakes have been eaten, but there are a few containers of frosting left over... i'd like to eat the frosting.
• is it okay to wear open-toe stilletos with your nursing scrubs? does it fit within the dress code? or does it just look awful?

rollerblade golf.

last night my cousin caleb and i went rollerblading - maybe eight miles. it was great. i probably hadn't rollerbladed in at least two years. my blades literally had cobwebs on them and leaves inside them. after i put them on, i told my cousin, "there are probably spiders in here" - and i wasn't joking.

after rollerblading, we went to the driving range. i had previously been to a driving range twice in my life. and one of the times, there were cows on the green, so i don't know if that counts.

i warned caleb that i'm not very good. he asked if i can at least hit the ball. i miss it probably 20% of the time? last night i did hit the ball most of the time - probably 90% of the time. and 10% of that, i hit the ball straight up in the air. thankfully we were upstairs - otherwise i might have hit the people above us if we were on the ground floor.

angelina's interior.

sitting on the porch swing thats not on a porch.

my cousin hannah and I took a little road trip down to the lake on Friday. neither of us can drive a boat, so we've been pretty landlocked. that's okay. we've entertained ourselves pretty well. interestingly, that was my aunt's concern: "you don't plan to take the boat out, do you?"

well, considering i have driven a boat um.... ZERO times. taking out the boat had never even crossed my mind. i asked hannah if she had ever driven the boat, and she has almost the same experience i do.

friday night we stopped at the grocery store. then we pretty much got in bed and read. i slept 12 hours that night - from 10 p.m. until 10 a.m. i haven't slept past 8 a.m. since... i have no idea when. i'm an early bird.

yesterday we laid out on the dock and got in the water. we went to the outlet mall for a few hours. we came home and made tacos and brownies. yum. today, we will hopefully get a little sun before we head back to the city!

because i like to be morbid sometimes.

the cemetery where my mom is buried is one of my favorite places to go. honestly. its so peaceful and serene. i love taking pictures of all the headstones. there are so many old headstones - some from the 1800s. there is a row of headstones of priests. the picture above is of my favorite epitaph on one of the headstones.

p.s. they really need to mow.

i love donuts.

i love long john donuts. correction: i love to eat the chocolate icing off the top of the donut. i don't really care for the donut part. yuck. so if you want the rest of it, let me know. its still here for a few minutes.

34 mph?

on my lunch break, i just drove to quiktrip - my favorite place in the whole wide world. ever. i saw a speed limit sign that read, "speed limit 34". what? i thought it was a simple mistake until i saw another one about a quarter mile past it. "speed limit 34" ???? really?

i shared my observation with a friend who said he had heard about it on the news. he said their claim was that it would encourage people to drive more slowly? what the hell?

my new hobby.

i have a new favorite hobby: talking on the phone. yes, i talk a lot. yes, i realize talking on the phone is nothing new. however, for the past few years, texting and emailing have been my preferred methods of communication. or in-person conversation.

my new car has bluetooth capabilites with my cell phone and voice recognition. i don't know if i'm using those terms correctly. and i'm not even sure how i figured out how to set it up. except i got out the instruction manual that came with the car, and i read it word for word. all i know is that i can press a button and then say "call" and then tell my car who to call. and it will call the person. and i just hold onto the steering wheel and talk. and their voice comes over some magical speakers in my car. i haven't figured out where the microphone is yet, but i'm sure they hid it well.

so, i called my dad to test this out. he asked, "so did you need something?" no. i just wanted to test out this new phone call thing.

hello, angelina.

my new car :)

good-bye veronica.

today i bought a new car. my old car, veronica, has been acting like a huge bitch lately, and i hate her. that's not true. i love her so much, but i just can't handle her anymore. so, in memory of veronica, i will post one of her best pictures. she doesn't look this good lately, but that's okay.

she is a 2001 honda accord. i bought her brand new on january 31, 2001. she had 32 miles. when i got rid of her today, she had 184,000. i had hoped she'd make it to 200,000... but that just wasn't happening.

my awesome snow boots.

i'm in michigan right now with my cousin and his friends. their friends have a cabin with a few acres of land. they have four wheelers and a hot tub. i just rode on a four wheeler for the first time ever. i wanted to wear my glittery high heels. however, my cousin insisted i wear what has become my new favorite pair of shoes: big muddy snow boots.

i am glad i wore the boots. i hadn't realized how wet and muddy it was outside. my glittery heels would have been absolutely ruined. thank god that didn't happen. i wish i could take these boots home with me, but unfortunately, they aren't mine.

jobs i'd rather have than this one.

Jobs I'd Rather Have Than This One:

adventurer like indiana jones

Bill Gates’ paid-friend

chef Boyardee

Dr. Doolittle

Engineer

Fun Factory owner

Gigolo

Hamburger taste tester

ice skater

Jazzercise instructor

karate instructor

Lamborghini test driver

magazine editor

Ninja

orthopedic doctor

Professional football player

quiktrip employee

Radio DJ

sex therapist

Televangelist

undercover agent

Vick’s vapo rub tester

weight watchers consultant

X-rated movie star

yoga teacher

Zen master

during the storm.

while at work today, our area experienced a tornado. the tornado didn't cause major damage around here - it just hopped around and knocked over some trees and trucks and junk. the sirens went off, and our campus "alertus" system went off - silently, for some reason. a big yellow, blue and red message popped up on our computer screens and wouldn't go away until we pressed the "i acknowledge" button to acknowledge we were aware of the severe weather and tornado watch. we moved all our employees and patients into secure areas.

one lady and i were in my boss's office because it doesn't have windows, and my office does. my boss and mr. t came in and said that office isn't safe, and we should join everyone else in clinic. four of us were sitting in a patient room chatting. after about a minute, i was bored and said i wanted to go outside and play. a co-worker said, "i want to go outside and smoke". so we did.

i also decided i should keep a flask filled with vodka in my desk at work in case we really do all die in a tornado while here. that would make it a little more entertaining...

thanks, grandma ;)

i stopped by my grandma's house after work tonight because i hadn't seen her in awhile. i walked in the door and went to the kitchen to throw away some trash. i went back to the room where she was sitting, and i sat down.

"well at least you haven't put the weight back on," she said.

before the world ends

things i need to do before the world ends later today:

ask ted lilly to marry me

bitchslap a hooker

crash a wedding

drive 180mph in a ferrari

eat three chipotle burritos in one sitting

fill a swimming pool full of jello

get laid

hit stuff with a bat

invent something super awesome

jump on a shrampoleeeeen

kiss eleventy billion people

light stuff on fire

moon people

ninja-chop some people

order lots of expensive stuff online

put stuff in jared’s mom’s butt BAH!

queef

run across a chiefs game naked

start the wave at the chiefs game while naked

trash a hotel room

use illegal drugs

vicodin

wear a really awesome outfit

eXtort a politician

your mom.

zig-zag through traffic on a motorcycle.

why did the pig cross the road?

my sister just posted this photo on facebook. she teaches in a rural town. neither of us realized pigs got this big. or that they belonged on public roads.

duh. he crossed the road to get to the other side.



don't hate.

i just got back from california with annamaria. instead of telling about the trip in a story format, i will use my preferred method of a list:

• in the morning, i ran along the beach. i wish i would have taken off my shoes and ran barefoot, but that would have killed me. walking barefoot in the sand kicked my ass.
• we met some people from new zealand. they called me "kansas" and asked if i was a farmer. they took a picture of me and my piercings to show their daughter who had just gotten her ears pierced. i was wearing three-inch glittery open-toe heels, a hot pink feather on my head, and a large rhinestoned "barbie" logo necklace. there are pictures of this, but i probably will not post them. anywhere. ever.
• we went to a dodgers game when i found out my future husband and favorite cubs player ted lilly is now a dodger. our seats were about the ninth row by first base. amazing.
• i took 500 pictures at the dodgers game.
• 496 of the above-mentioned pictures are of ted lilly. about 489 of them are of ted lilly's butt.
• i took pictures of a lot of my meals.
• i bought a super sparkly ring that looks like an engagement ring except the band is stretchy for my fat middle finger. 
• our hotel was really nice.
• our cab drivers were really odd.
• i had a 20-minute conversation with a girl at a clothing store. the conversation was about piercings and tattoos and how your parents feel about them. she was about my age.
• i accidentally turned on the fireplace in our room.
• i somehow broke the internet on my laptop. and by "broke" i mean "i acted like i know something about computers and wireless networks and probably disabled something or changed some setting, and now i can't get on the internet".
• did i mention i took hundreds of pictures of ted lilly?
• i bought seven pairs of shoes (i don't think i even owned seven pairs of shoes prior to this).
• i bought a hot pink and gray shirt. its obnoxious. straight from the '80s.
• i got a guy's phone number within a few hours of arriving in l.a. we were on the pier. he was wearing a kc royals hat. i obviously needed to ask if he is from kc. i also obviously needed to introduce him to my new best friend: the glittery kc royals hat. i showed him the picture on my phone, and he was impressed. he introduced himself as "big perm" and said he does voice-overs for a living. he demonstrated a few examples and sang a few songs. he said ladies used to be jealous of his lovely locks until he chopped them off about five years ago. i had assumed the perm was during the 1980s. nope. much more recent. after we left him, annamaria teased, "we haven't even been here a day, and you got a phone number!" side note: she has a boyfriend and is off-limits. don't hate. i, on the other hand, am painfully single and available. give me a call if you're interested!

new hobbies i could have.

cletus and i made a list of new hobbies i could try:

acupuncture

bowling

canoeing

drawing

ebay

fishing

gambling

hunting 

ice sculpting 

juice-making

kite flying

lying

modeling

napping

one night stands 

partying

questioning everything

raves

stalking

tickling strangers 

underwear shopping

video games

wrestling

x-rated movies

yoga

zoo!

airport entertainment.

i'm at the airport for our trip to california. its 8:30 a.m. on a saturday. two guys just walked by with bottles of bud light. absolutely amazing. i'm jealous and may have to go buy one myself.

the guy next to me is humming quietly.

the lady across from me has a glass eye. i'm a little creeped out and will move across the aisle to sit on her side so i don't have to see it. there's a glare on my laptop anyway because a window is behind me.

i'm scared they won't let me take both of my bags onto the plane with me. one is my purse. the other is my flamingo bag with books and my laptop. pray for me.

my new best friend.

my new best friend. is a hat.

last night at happy hour, a guy wore this hat. it was amazing. finally my friend went to ask him where he got it. he had a girl with him, and she probably thought i wanted her boyfriend. no thanks. i wanted the hat. if i had cash, i would have given it to him in exchange for this gloriously sparkly hat.

i even tried googling the hat to order it online. couldn't find it, so i ended up ordering a royals hoodie, a cubs t-shirt, and a cubs tank top instead.

today i went on a mission to find the hat. thankfully, he told me where he bought it, and they still carry the hat. they also had it in other colors... i'll probably go back next week to buy more friends.

elevator etiquette.

rules for being in an elevator from the American Association of Elevator Etiquette:

1. Wait for everyone to get off before you get on.

2. No farting.

3. Smokers and heavy perfume wearers shall use their own designated elevator. Or take the stairs.

4. If you get on the elevator, push the button for the floor you want. Don't just stand there, idiot.

5. Please end all cell phone calls before entering. Nobody wants to hear you yell, "I'M LOSING YA. I'M IN AN ELEVATOR".

6. If we're the only two people in the elevator, please don't stand too close to me.

7. Do not hold the elevator for your friend who is "on his way". That crap bag can wait for the next one.

8. Do not let you children press every single button in a 29-story building.

9. Do not try to make small talk. Yes, I realize that this is "some kind of weather we're having".

10. No jumping.

11. In the event that the elevator is crowded, please make every attempt to not breathe on me. In fact, just stop breathing all together.

12. If you are fat, take the stairs. We don't want to exceed the weight limit. And you need the exercise anyway.

13. Face-to-face conversations with friends/co-workers/etc. should cease when another person enters the elevator. It makes it awkward for the person/people not involved

supervisor's response to ice cream request?

thankfully our supervisor took our request seriously. here is his reply:

Johnny,

This worthy cause and I want to commend you on this one. This kind of request should start with petition for from all employees and then move forward with a request. I just want to add weight on the issue. Time is not on your side though and since you are leaving the center somebody has take on this task and I highly recommend you to start recruiting folks ASAP. If I am not mistaken, what you are saying is lack of ice cream is a contributing factor for drop of productivity activity and that is big and I would like to tackle head on.

Please advise me on this important issue who is assuming the role of capturing 1250 signature.......


Mr. T


we of course had to reply immediately:

Dear Mr. T,

I am honored you feel this is a worthy cause. A petition is an excellent idea, however, I feel 1,250 signatures is an unreasonable number of signatures to obtain. I will get signatures of 60% of the current staff, faculty, and neurologists.

I'm not sure I trust anyone to overtake this task. I was hoping you would feel passionately enough about this issue to become the new driving force behind it. But I will forward this reply to my co-workers, as they may be good candidates, as well. However, I feel they have more important work to focus on.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

-Johnny-

everyone needs a mcdonald's ice cream maker at work.

in our efforts to obtain a mcdonald's ice cream machine at work, ricky bobby and i wrote the following letter to our department's financial officer:

Dear Mr. T -

I am writing to ask for your help in establishing a soft-serve ice cream machine in the kitchen area. I strongly believe having ice cream throughout the day will improve employee morale and increase productivity.

I believe McDonald's soft serve would be the best tasting and most cost-effective option, so long as you purchase a machine that offers the option for chocolate, vanilla, or twist.

To prevent the accumulation of dirty dishes, I feel cones should be the only viable option, in my opinion. Additionally, this will also improve productivity because employees will have one free hand to hold the cone. As most employees are right-handed and would need their right to hold the spoon or use the mouse, this is just not possible. To solve this dilemma, they can simply hold the cone in their left hands leaving their right hands free to do their required work.

This, of course, will be of no cost to employees. Should the department be unable to fund this endeavor, please let me know of other possible funding avenues we can pursue. Employees will obviously be limited to two cones per day, so as they do not gain weight and be unable to perform their required job duties.

Please let me know when I can expect this request to be fulfilled.

Amen.

Johnny Number Five.

things to do at work besides work.

art projects
build paperclip figures
call your homies
dance in your chair
eat!!
facebook
gossip :)
have a textversation
invent things
jerk off
kazoo playing
lurk around the office
make paper airplanes
name your office supplies
order things from the internet
play hide and seek
quietly escape
ride the elevator
sleeeeeeep
think of names for your imaginary children
use your imagination
vaginal exercises
wash your hair
x-rated crossword puzzles
yahtzee!
zone out

no, these are not reminders.

today someone came into my office and said, "wow! that sure is a lot of reminders!" they're not reminders; they're "sign here" flags for all the signtaures i have to obtain. probably almost as obnoxious as reminders.

ADDENDUM: today, may 26, another co-worker just stopped in here and made a comment about all my "sign here" flags.

SIDE NOTE: these flags have been on my monitors for about two years. and i don't think anyone has made comments previously - other than to ask to have one.

he pooted.

a co-worker brought her son to work today. i believe he's around six years old, but i really have no clue. maybe he's 19.

he hung out with ricky bobby and me for awhile. i gave him a piece of paper so he could color.

"i like to draw teeth," he said as he drew some teeth-like images. he said he was drawing a shark. he then began drawing a pirate boat and said, "i love anchors".

somehow we got on the topic of baseball, and ricky bobby asked him what position he plays. "bombs," he said, matter-of-factly.

he went back to drawing the shark and announced, "he pooted". ricky bobby and i cracked up. so he went on. "then he farted. so i kicked him. cut the cheese. farted. cut the cheese. farted."

amazing. we were crying.

a few minutes later he handed ricky bobby one of his pens. ricky bobby said, "gracias!" the little boy said, "i know how to draw grass! and dirt." um... gracias. not grass. oh well.

after about 20 minutes of entertainment, ricky bobby had to go back upstairs to his booth.

the little boy asked me why ricky bobby had to go upstairs. "because he has to do some work," i explained.

the little boy was shocked. "HE WORKS HERE?!" ha.

i hope he comes back to visit soon.

should we all get warnings before we get parking tickets?

the campus police called our receptionist this morning looking for one of our doctors. she apparently had parked illegally and was going to be ticketed. bullshit. preferential treatment because she's a doctor?? our receptionist told them that we hadn't seen her today.

since when does anyone get a phone call or a page before they get a ticket? since when does anyone get a chance to move his or her car before receiving a ticket? we have 10,000 employees on our campus; i'm pretty sure there are around 100 parking violations daily. and i'm pretty sure the police do not forewarn them. discrimination. preferential treatment because she was a doctor.

our receptionist called the police back and asked why she was getting a phone call when no one else did. could we all get a phone call before we get a ticket? maybe we didn't realize we were parked illegally?

this doctor was parked on a public street. not even on our campus. maybe it wasn't the campus police who called us? maybe it was the city police? she was parked on a public street facing the wrong way. she has only been in the united states for a few years; maybe she doesn't know you can't park on the side of a street facing traffic? she was parked on a public street, facing the wrong direction, blocking the entrance to a parking lot. i got nothing.

update: broken alarm clock

i finally worked up the courage to by a new alarm clock last night. they even still carried the same model as the one i broke recently. i got home, plugged it in, and it said the correct time before i did anything. i set my alarm for the morning, and got in bed.

this morning, the alarm never went off. thankfully i also set an alarm (or three) on my phone, so i did wake up. i looked at the clock, and one of the lines was missing - the line in the middle of a 2 or 3 on the far right number. annoying. so, the alarm clock is in my car, and i will eventually exchange it for ANOTHER one.

word of the day

ricky bobby and i decided we need to keep a "word of the day" spreadsheet to track our words. here are some of the good ones:

• schmechnically
• FYI
• geez, louise
• ole!
• sorry
• furthermore
• clearly
• idiot!
• crap
• yo
• bogus
• of course
• what the hell?
• smoot move
• oh my god
• broken
• you will get a ticket
• cowabunga
• blessed
• holy crap, batman!
• blah
• slacking
• crappit
• not my problem
• joust
• ridiculous
• schmeared
• vitamins
• relative
• captain obvious
• nau-sheesh
• stop atlking
• marrera carrera
• drama!!!!
• diary-ing
• go home!
• gas duster
• sleepy
• how rude.
• entirety
• bite me
• hold please
• yomott
• dingbat
• requently
• circa
• broad
• bonus
• sayed
• shut your face
• whatshername
• liar
• jackass
• matgut
• be gone!
• boy toy
• gladiator
• blankie
• biscuits
• spastic

i have a terd up my butt, apparently.

i just walked by a scary co-worker. she's so scary that whenever she says something, i pretty much have to do it. she asked how much more weight i plan to lose.

"none!" i said defensively. "you should have seen how much i ate in memphis over the weekend. i had a hamburger AND a salmon burger at dinner on sunday. i've probably gained all my weight back by now."

she gave me the sternest, scariest look i've ever seen. ever. then she pretty much made me go weigh myself (yes, i realize i could have said, "hell no, i'm not weighing myself!" but i was scared).

i walked over to the scale. dammit. i mean, not dammit for me - i was down two pounds which isn't a bad thing when i'm technically in the overweight category based on my BMI. dammit because i know she's going to be scary when she finds out i've lost weight.

pouting, i walked back to her.

"how much are you down?" she could tell by the look on my face that i hadn't really gained back the weight that i told her i had probably gained.

"just two pounds."

"girl, you need to eat!" she said.

"I AM EATING!" i was super defensive at this point.

"you need to eat RIGHT!" she said.

she had a valid point; my daily diet usually consists of any combination of the following foods (i use the term "food" loosely. i should probably have used the words "empty calories"): croutons, cheez-its, pretzels, chipotle, rice krispie treats. oh, and diet mountain dew, of course.

"you probably have a terd up your butt!" she said. "i just care about you, that's all."

i told her i have a new project: to make her not care about me anymore. (although maybe i should first focus on getting this terd out of my ass??)

"honey, don't even try. you know its not going to happen."

and i walked away, still pouting.

things i'd rather be doing besides working

its monday. cletus and i made a list of things we'd rather be doing than working:

apple picking

breast feeding

car shopping

drinking

eating imo's

flying a kite

giggity giggity-ing

having ess-ee-ex

ice fishing

jumping on a shrampoline.

kissing frogs

lighting stuff on fire

monitoring weather patterns

naked swimming

origami

picking out houses

questioning authority

running eleventy miles

shampooing my hair

tearing up this LUNCH I’m about to eat!

using drugs

vacationing

watching tv

xamining my balls

your mom

zip-lining