should we all get warnings before we get parking tickets?

the campus police called our receptionist this morning looking for one of our doctors. she apparently had parked illegally and was going to be ticketed. bullshit. preferential treatment because she's a doctor?? our receptionist told them that we hadn't seen her today.

since when does anyone get a phone call or a page before they get a ticket? since when does anyone get a chance to move his or her car before receiving a ticket? we have 10,000 employees on our campus; i'm pretty sure there are around 100 parking violations daily. and i'm pretty sure the police do not forewarn them. discrimination. preferential treatment because she was a doctor.

our receptionist called the police back and asked why she was getting a phone call when no one else did. could we all get a phone call before we get a ticket? maybe we didn't realize we were parked illegally?

this doctor was parked on a public street. not even on our campus. maybe it wasn't the campus police who called us? maybe it was the city police? she was parked on a public street facing the wrong way. she has only been in the united states for a few years; maybe she doesn't know you can't park on the side of a street facing traffic? she was parked on a public street, facing the wrong direction, blocking the entrance to a parking lot. i got nothing.

update: broken alarm clock

i finally worked up the courage to by a new alarm clock last night. they even still carried the same model as the one i broke recently. i got home, plugged it in, and it said the correct time before i did anything. i set my alarm for the morning, and got in bed.

this morning, the alarm never went off. thankfully i also set an alarm (or three) on my phone, so i did wake up. i looked at the clock, and one of the lines was missing - the line in the middle of a 2 or 3 on the far right number. annoying. so, the alarm clock is in my car, and i will eventually exchange it for ANOTHER one.

word of the day

ricky bobby and i decided we need to keep a "word of the day" spreadsheet to track our words. here are some of the good ones:

• schmechnically
• FYI
• geez, louise
• ole!
• sorry
• furthermore
• clearly
• idiot!
• crap
• yo
• bogus
• of course
• what the hell?
• smoot move
• oh my god
• broken
• you will get a ticket
• cowabunga
• blessed
• holy crap, batman!
• blah
• slacking
• crappit
• not my problem
• joust
• ridiculous
• schmeared
• vitamins
• relative
• captain obvious
• nau-sheesh
• stop atlking
• marrera carrera
• drama!!!!
• diary-ing
• go home!
• gas duster
• sleepy
• how rude.
• entirety
• bite me
• hold please
• yomott
• dingbat
• requently
• circa
• broad
• bonus
• sayed
• shut your face
• whatshername
• liar
• jackass
• matgut
• be gone!
• boy toy
• gladiator
• blankie
• biscuits
• spastic

i have a terd up my butt, apparently.

i just walked by a scary co-worker. she's so scary that whenever she says something, i pretty much have to do it. she asked how much more weight i plan to lose.

"none!" i said defensively. "you should have seen how much i ate in memphis over the weekend. i had a hamburger AND a salmon burger at dinner on sunday. i've probably gained all my weight back by now."

she gave me the sternest, scariest look i've ever seen. ever. then she pretty much made me go weigh myself (yes, i realize i could have said, "hell no, i'm not weighing myself!" but i was scared).

i walked over to the scale. dammit. i mean, not dammit for me - i was down two pounds which isn't a bad thing when i'm technically in the overweight category based on my BMI. dammit because i know she's going to be scary when she finds out i've lost weight.

pouting, i walked back to her.

"how much are you down?" she could tell by the look on my face that i hadn't really gained back the weight that i told her i had probably gained.

"just two pounds."

"girl, you need to eat!" she said.

"I AM EATING!" i was super defensive at this point.

"you need to eat RIGHT!" she said.

she had a valid point; my daily diet usually consists of any combination of the following foods (i use the term "food" loosely. i should probably have used the words "empty calories"): croutons, cheez-its, pretzels, chipotle, rice krispie treats. oh, and diet mountain dew, of course.

"you probably have a terd up your butt!" she said. "i just care about you, that's all."

i told her i have a new project: to make her not care about me anymore. (although maybe i should first focus on getting this terd out of my ass??)

"honey, don't even try. you know its not going to happen."

and i walked away, still pouting.

things i'd rather be doing besides working

its monday. cletus and i made a list of things we'd rather be doing than working:

apple picking

breast feeding

car shopping

drinking

eating imo's

flying a kite

giggity giggity-ing

having ess-ee-ex

ice fishing

jumping on a shrampoline.

kissing frogs

lighting stuff on fire

monitoring weather patterns

naked swimming

origami

picking out houses

questioning authority

running eleventy miles

shampooing my hair

tearing up this LUNCH I’m about to eat!

using drugs

vacationing

watching tv

xamining my balls

your mom

zip-lining

email conversation using word of the day: relatively

me: can you please relatively tell me your phone number again so i can stalk you more relatively?

ricky bobby: if you are attempting to relatively send me 209 emails today, then you relatively should not probably be calling me at my relatively new number, 5021. relatively speaking, i should never have to give you this relative phone number ever relatively again. p.s. you have relatively 150 emails left to send today in order to reach your relative goal of 209.

me: i think its relatively time to leave.

ricky bobby: that sounds like a relatively good idea. i relatively agree with you because we should probably leave relatively soon.

me: yeah, and its relatively nice out, considering its supposed to rain tonight. send mr. t a relatively professional email telling him its relatively past 5 p.m. and we are leaving.

ricky bobby: what the relative? where did you get that relative picture?

me: funny you should ask. marrerra carrera did relatively accuse me of stalking you.

ricky bobby: i am relatively starting to believe her relative story. is that from facebook?

me: yeah, but i came across her page relatively on accident. she's friends with one of my friends. so, i'm relatively disappointed :( i wasn't trying to stalk.

ricky bobby: what friend do you have in common? did you check out my dog's page? yeah, that is relatively boring. i was hoping for a stalker!

me: ME. i did not check out your dog's page. sorry. that seemed relatively lame. my sister made one for her dog, and that's relatively dumb.

ricky bobby: i am going to have to relatively kick your relative ass if you don't relatively watch it! my dog is the coolest relative dog ever!!!

me: okay hold please while i stalk your dog. and save pictures of you guys as my background. maybe i'll make a collage....

ricky bobby: that sounds like a relatively good idea. let me know when it is complete so i can come look at your relative work.

i broke my alarm clock.

i have to have a drink with me 99% of the time. i seem to panic if i don't have a drink handy - maybe i'm afraid of dying of dehydration? i usually carry a bottle of water around with me and usually also have a bottle or can of diet mountain dew.

before i go to bed, i have to have a glass of water on my nightstand. and earlier this week, sure enough, i reached for my eyeglasses on my nightstand and knocked over my full glass of water. i didn't think much of it - its water; its not going to stain my carpet.

the next morning, i woke up to my alarm clock flashing. thankfully i also always set an alarm to go off on each of my cell phones (booty call phone and non-booty call phone, if you will). needless to say, i did not oversleep. however, the alarm clock was apparently flooded. i unplugged it in the hope of not setting the apartment on fire.

i left it unplugged for two days but then plugged it in yesterday morning. it showed the correct time! when i got home yesterday evening, i heard a quiet, weird, almost beeping sound. i walked around my tiny apartment trying to locate the noise. and then i saw my alarm clock flashing again. i unplugged it again.

i just got home and plugged it in. it flashed "12:00" until i pressed all the buttons and figured out how to actually set the time. it worked! then i set the alarm for 6:30 a.m. tomorrow. it worked! then i went back to typing on my other computer.

and then i heard that stupid beeping sound again. i looked over, and sure enough, the stupid clock was flashing "12:00". i give up. i unplugged it and will go buy a new clock this weekend. or next weekend. or never.

things u wish ur girlfriend/boyfriend would say 2 u

cletus and i developed a list of things we wish our significant others would say to us in general:

ashley, u r perfect!

bitch, let’s have sex again!

can I please give you another back massage NOW?

do you want to put it in my booty tonight?

eating you is the best thing in the world.

for dessert, i made you a whipped cream bikini.

girl, you fine as hell.

hell yes I’ll make dinner for you every night!

i would like to keep my 62" tv at your place because my apartment is too small.

just in case you were wondering, I love you more than a fat kid loves cake. 

kissing is great, but can we hurry up and have sex?

li,li,li,li,lick me like a lollipop.

my, you have nice boobies.

nakedness is the best thing ever.

of course I'll buy you a 2 carat diamond!

prophylactic?!  nah, not necessary.

quit apologizing for farting - it doesn't bother me at all! 

really, you don’t have to pay…ever.

sure, we can have a threesome!

that was the best sex EVER.

ultimately, it’s your decision.

vicodin is what I got you for your birthday.

well of course I'm not wearing any underwear!

x marks the spot

zats great

things you should do on a first date.

things you should do on a first date:

ask about her (interests, activities, job, family, etc.)

buy her dinner

chew your food with your mouth closed

drive responsibly (this one will be tough)

eat slowly

fart discreetly

give her lots of compliments

have a backup plan

ignore other hot girls in the restaurant or wherever you are

joke with her…appropriately

kiss her good-night

listen when she’s talking

moderate amount of cologne

notice if your breath stinks

open doors!

prepare a game plan

quit talking about your ex

reservations - make them

smile a lot :) (but not too much)

tip well

use your silverware correctly (chopsticks?!)

volume control on your voice

wash your hands after you go to the bathroom

xpect to drop some cash

you should go home alone and not with each other :)

zebra print — wear it.

sandtrapped.

tonight i went to my dad's before he got home from work. i sat outside and journaled by the pool until he got home. we were both pretty hungry and decided to go to the sandtrap for dinner, of course. i think i have been there about 76 times in the past month. usually i go with my dad and my grandma. the last time we went, she wore slippers, and it was awesome.

(i did not notice the slippers until i kept stepping on something soft underneath the table. i had no clue what it was - maybe a stack of napkins? it definitely wasn't the leg of the table. finally she said, "you're stepping on my foot". i thought, no way is that a shoe... its too soft. when we left, i noticed it wasn't a shoe; it was a slipper.)

they have a grilled buffalo chicken salad that i LOVE. i get it every single time we are there. literally. i always look at the menu to amuse myself... but i have never even considered anything else.

however, tonight, i may have reached my breaking point. i might actually be tired of the buffalo chicken salad. i didn't finish the salad, and i always finish my salad... but i think i'm finally burnt out on this meal. next time, i may just order the catfish nuggets.

reasons to break up with someone.

cletus and i made this list at the end of 2009 of reasons to break up with someone:

addict

botched nose job

cheater

drama queen

emo

f-ed your mom

gay

hermaphrodite

irrational

joined the church of scientology

kisses like a dog

lies compulsively

manipulative

needs constant attention

obese denise

prefers the company of others to your exclusive company

queer

really bad breath

STALKER!

tried to put it in your butt

ugly

vaginal discharge

wigger

xena the warrior princess fanatic

YOUNG!!!

zero ambition

eureka springs - day 3.

my third and final day in eureka springs. its been quite a trip. its been very relaxing and peaceful. i've had a lot of productive time to myself to reflect and write. i've been sitting out here on the balcony since 6:30 a.m., writing and watching the sun rise.

i've "met" a lot of fun people - no names or anything - but i enjoyed the conversation and interaction with them. the staff at the rooftop restaurant will hopefully remember me as "norm" when i return.

this has been a chapter in my life story. it was fun while it lasted but wasn't meant to be. i recreated some great memories of this place and look forward to returning. but for now, its time to head home and get back to me. good-bye balcony neighbors who probably think i'm nuts for sitting out here so much with my stack of printer paper!! and good-bye amazing view from the balcony!



the view from my room.



eureka springs - day 2.

so far, so good. i did not sleep well last night at all. the hotel is allegedly haunted, and i could not just relax. this morning i got up and sat outside on the veranda for about two hours - working on my letter. the other two couples who share the veranda probably think i'm nuts - out here all the time with my binder and iPod and laptop.

around 10 a.m., i rode the hotel shuttle to downtown. so many neat shops and restaurants. i bought two dresses! i'm not much of a dress-wearer, but the coral halter top dress was so cute and looked great on me. i look forward to wearing it. i shopped for a few hours and then came back to the hotel.

i wrote for a few more hours. i took a bath. wrote a little more. i have no idea how many pages i'm at. i went back up to the rooftop restaurant for dinner. two men teased me about my cubs hoodie. i'm sure they were from st. louis. i could see a couple outside watching something on their laptop - i could tell it was video taken on one of the hotel's porches. the waiter told me it was allegedly some ghost footage. i worked up the courage (didn't take much for me) and went out and said, "i don't mean to be creepy, but what are you watching?" they laughed and told me to watch the video.

they had arrived at the hotel earlier that day and were outside with their little video camera. you can see the camera and the guy's face as he goes up to a window and looks inside their room. the video is shaky as he looks around the rest of the veranda. and you hear a woman's voice say, "there's nothing here. move on." he said they didn't hear the voice when they were out there. it wasn't until they watched it on the laptop that they heard it. i'm pretty sure its not real.

i talked to a family of four - the kids told me they were ghost hunters. the boy was maybe 11 years old and was smoking candy cigarettes. that amused me; my sister and i used to love candy cigarettes. my best friend and i used to "smoke" them in my closet when we were about 10 years old.

it was a nice time - more random people and more random stories.

eureka springs - day 1.

i went into work for a few hours this morning before heading down to eureka springs. i knew i was playing with fire by taking this trip alone, but i also simply felt compelled to do it. this place is extremely peaceful and quaint but is also kinda bittersweet.

i spent about three hours on the ground floor porch writing and just getting my thoughts on paper. i sat in an old, white rocking chair and talked to random strangers. it was great. i love meeting new people and finding random common interests.

around 6 p.m. i headed up to the rooftop restaurant for dinner and drinks. i talked to a few more random people. one couple invited me to sit with them for a drink, and that was great. i needed to be around people who don't know what's going on in my life right now. 

as i paid my tab, the waiter asked what brought me to eureka springs. i told him i just needed to get away for the weekend. we chatted a bit more, and then i admitted, "my mom died here about 10 years ago."

i almost expected him to say "freak!", but he didn't. i knew it was a semi-morbid thing to say. he asked, "oh, out in the car?" and i said, "yep. were you there?" he said he hadn't started working at the hotel until 2003 (she died in 2001). i asked if he thought there was anyone who worked at the hotel who has been there that long. he told me my first waiter was there - he wasn't the one who found her, but he was there. he took me downstairs to talk to him.

i knew he wouldn't say anything profound or anything, but it was interesting to talk to someone on the other side of the story, and it was interesting to get to tell him our side, too. many of the employees knew of the story - things like that just don't happen in eureka. the hotel has ghosts and hauntings... but not actual death. i appreciated that he took the time to talk.

so here i am, sitting outside again and will go to bed soon - with the lights on.

a few of my favorite things.

here are a few a lot of my favorite things (not necessarily in any order):

• diet mountain dew.
• love.
• valentine's day.
• my car.
• my family.
• my friends.
• shot glasses.
• movies.
• audrey hepburn.
• dresses (this is a new addition to the list).
• the color black.
• my new bracelet that my co-workers bought.
• beaches.
• eureka springs, arkansas.
• tempe, arizona.
• myrtle beach, south carolina.
• having someone straighten my hair.
• bmw.
• grapes.
• chipotle.
• the chicago cubs.
• my cubs hoodie.
• black dresses.
• victoria's secret "halo".
• hannae mori men's cologne. yum.
• ted lily.
• vince vaughn.
• the sun.
• running.
• listening to music.
• going for long drives.
• forensic files.
• road trips.
• pizza hut's stuffed crust pizza.
• writing.
• lip gloss.
• imo's pizza.
• disney princesses.

gnats.

i think i have a gnat problem in the apartment. i know its super gross. every day, when i come home, there are hundreds of little black things on the kitchen floor. every evening i vacuum the kitchen. and the next day, there they are again.

i finally looked closer at them, and they look like little dead gnats. i never seem them flying around or anything. there are one or two on the kitchen counter, but they are all over the floor. its super gross, i promise.

last night i went into the kitchen and noticed there are hundreds of them in one of the cabinets, too. i can't figure out how they got here. this morning i set off a bug fogger before i went to work. then i will need to do some major cleaning in the kitchen. and then hopefully they will never come back again.