hello, angelina.

my new car :)

good-bye veronica.

today i bought a new car. my old car, veronica, has been acting like a huge bitch lately, and i hate her. that's not true. i love her so much, but i just can't handle her anymore. so, in memory of veronica, i will post one of her best pictures. she doesn't look this good lately, but that's okay.

she is a 2001 honda accord. i bought her brand new on january 31, 2001. she had 32 miles. when i got rid of her today, she had 184,000. i had hoped she'd make it to 200,000... but that just wasn't happening.

my awesome snow boots.

i'm in michigan right now with my cousin and his friends. their friends have a cabin with a few acres of land. they have four wheelers and a hot tub. i just rode on a four wheeler for the first time ever. i wanted to wear my glittery high heels. however, my cousin insisted i wear what has become my new favorite pair of shoes: big muddy snow boots.

i am glad i wore the boots. i hadn't realized how wet and muddy it was outside. my glittery heels would have been absolutely ruined. thank god that didn't happen. i wish i could take these boots home with me, but unfortunately, they aren't mine.

jobs i'd rather have than this one.

Jobs I'd Rather Have Than This One:

adventurer like indiana jones

Bill Gates’ paid-friend

chef Boyardee

Dr. Doolittle

Engineer

Fun Factory owner

Gigolo

Hamburger taste tester

ice skater

Jazzercise instructor

karate instructor

Lamborghini test driver

magazine editor

Ninja

orthopedic doctor

Professional football player

quiktrip employee

Radio DJ

sex therapist

Televangelist

undercover agent

Vick’s vapo rub tester

weight watchers consultant

X-rated movie star

yoga teacher

Zen master

during the storm.

while at work today, our area experienced a tornado. the tornado didn't cause major damage around here - it just hopped around and knocked over some trees and trucks and junk. the sirens went off, and our campus "alertus" system went off - silently, for some reason. a big yellow, blue and red message popped up on our computer screens and wouldn't go away until we pressed the "i acknowledge" button to acknowledge we were aware of the severe weather and tornado watch. we moved all our employees and patients into secure areas.

one lady and i were in my boss's office because it doesn't have windows, and my office does. my boss and mr. t came in and said that office isn't safe, and we should join everyone else in clinic. four of us were sitting in a patient room chatting. after about a minute, i was bored and said i wanted to go outside and play. a co-worker said, "i want to go outside and smoke". so we did.

i also decided i should keep a flask filled with vodka in my desk at work in case we really do all die in a tornado while here. that would make it a little more entertaining...

thanks, grandma ;)

i stopped by my grandma's house after work tonight because i hadn't seen her in awhile. i walked in the door and went to the kitchen to throw away some trash. i went back to the room where she was sitting, and i sat down.

"well at least you haven't put the weight back on," she said.

before the world ends

things i need to do before the world ends later today:

ask ted lilly to marry me

bitchslap a hooker

crash a wedding

drive 180mph in a ferrari

eat three chipotle burritos in one sitting

fill a swimming pool full of jello

get laid

hit stuff with a bat

invent something super awesome

jump on a shrampoleeeeen

kiss eleventy billion people

light stuff on fire

moon people

ninja-chop some people

order lots of expensive stuff online

put stuff in jared’s mom’s butt BAH!

queef

run across a chiefs game naked

start the wave at the chiefs game while naked

trash a hotel room

use illegal drugs

vicodin

wear a really awesome outfit

eXtort a politician

your mom.

zig-zag through traffic on a motorcycle.

why did the pig cross the road?

my sister just posted this photo on facebook. she teaches in a rural town. neither of us realized pigs got this big. or that they belonged on public roads.

duh. he crossed the road to get to the other side.



don't hate.

i just got back from california with annamaria. instead of telling about the trip in a story format, i will use my preferred method of a list:

• in the morning, i ran along the beach. i wish i would have taken off my shoes and ran barefoot, but that would have killed me. walking barefoot in the sand kicked my ass.
• we met some people from new zealand. they called me "kansas" and asked if i was a farmer. they took a picture of me and my piercings to show their daughter who had just gotten her ears pierced. i was wearing three-inch glittery open-toe heels, a hot pink feather on my head, and a large rhinestoned "barbie" logo necklace. there are pictures of this, but i probably will not post them. anywhere. ever.
• we went to a dodgers game when i found out my future husband and favorite cubs player ted lilly is now a dodger. our seats were about the ninth row by first base. amazing.
• i took 500 pictures at the dodgers game.
• 496 of the above-mentioned pictures are of ted lilly. about 489 of them are of ted lilly's butt.
• i took pictures of a lot of my meals.
• i bought a super sparkly ring that looks like an engagement ring except the band is stretchy for my fat middle finger. 
• our hotel was really nice.
• our cab drivers were really odd.
• i had a 20-minute conversation with a girl at a clothing store. the conversation was about piercings and tattoos and how your parents feel about them. she was about my age.
• i accidentally turned on the fireplace in our room.
• i somehow broke the internet on my laptop. and by "broke" i mean "i acted like i know something about computers and wireless networks and probably disabled something or changed some setting, and now i can't get on the internet".
• did i mention i took hundreds of pictures of ted lilly?
• i bought seven pairs of shoes (i don't think i even owned seven pairs of shoes prior to this).
• i bought a hot pink and gray shirt. its obnoxious. straight from the '80s.
• i got a guy's phone number within a few hours of arriving in l.a. we were on the pier. he was wearing a kc royals hat. i obviously needed to ask if he is from kc. i also obviously needed to introduce him to my new best friend: the glittery kc royals hat. i showed him the picture on my phone, and he was impressed. he introduced himself as "big perm" and said he does voice-overs for a living. he demonstrated a few examples and sang a few songs. he said ladies used to be jealous of his lovely locks until he chopped them off about five years ago. i had assumed the perm was during the 1980s. nope. much more recent. after we left him, annamaria teased, "we haven't even been here a day, and you got a phone number!" side note: she has a boyfriend and is off-limits. don't hate. i, on the other hand, am painfully single and available. give me a call if you're interested!

new hobbies i could have.

cletus and i made a list of new hobbies i could try:

acupuncture

bowling

canoeing

drawing

ebay

fishing

gambling

hunting 

ice sculpting 

juice-making

kite flying

lying

modeling

napping

one night stands 

partying

questioning everything

raves

stalking

tickling strangers 

underwear shopping

video games

wrestling

x-rated movies

yoga

zoo!

airport entertainment.

i'm at the airport for our trip to california. its 8:30 a.m. on a saturday. two guys just walked by with bottles of bud light. absolutely amazing. i'm jealous and may have to go buy one myself.

the guy next to me is humming quietly.

the lady across from me has a glass eye. i'm a little creeped out and will move across the aisle to sit on her side so i don't have to see it. there's a glare on my laptop anyway because a window is behind me.

i'm scared they won't let me take both of my bags onto the plane with me. one is my purse. the other is my flamingo bag with books and my laptop. pray for me.

my new best friend.

my new best friend. is a hat.

last night at happy hour, a guy wore this hat. it was amazing. finally my friend went to ask him where he got it. he had a girl with him, and she probably thought i wanted her boyfriend. no thanks. i wanted the hat. if i had cash, i would have given it to him in exchange for this gloriously sparkly hat.

i even tried googling the hat to order it online. couldn't find it, so i ended up ordering a royals hoodie, a cubs t-shirt, and a cubs tank top instead.

today i went on a mission to find the hat. thankfully, he told me where he bought it, and they still carry the hat. they also had it in other colors... i'll probably go back next week to buy more friends.

elevator etiquette.

rules for being in an elevator from the American Association of Elevator Etiquette:

1. Wait for everyone to get off before you get on.

2. No farting.

3. Smokers and heavy perfume wearers shall use their own designated elevator. Or take the stairs.

4. If you get on the elevator, push the button for the floor you want. Don't just stand there, idiot.

5. Please end all cell phone calls before entering. Nobody wants to hear you yell, "I'M LOSING YA. I'M IN AN ELEVATOR".

6. If we're the only two people in the elevator, please don't stand too close to me.

7. Do not hold the elevator for your friend who is "on his way". That crap bag can wait for the next one.

8. Do not let you children press every single button in a 29-story building.

9. Do not try to make small talk. Yes, I realize that this is "some kind of weather we're having".

10. No jumping.

11. In the event that the elevator is crowded, please make every attempt to not breathe on me. In fact, just stop breathing all together.

12. If you are fat, take the stairs. We don't want to exceed the weight limit. And you need the exercise anyway.

13. Face-to-face conversations with friends/co-workers/etc. should cease when another person enters the elevator. It makes it awkward for the person/people not involved

supervisor's response to ice cream request?

thankfully our supervisor took our request seriously. here is his reply:

Johnny,

This worthy cause and I want to commend you on this one. This kind of request should start with petition for from all employees and then move forward with a request. I just want to add weight on the issue. Time is not on your side though and since you are leaving the center somebody has take on this task and I highly recommend you to start recruiting folks ASAP. If I am not mistaken, what you are saying is lack of ice cream is a contributing factor for drop of productivity activity and that is big and I would like to tackle head on.

Please advise me on this important issue who is assuming the role of capturing 1250 signature.......


Mr. T


we of course had to reply immediately:

Dear Mr. T,

I am honored you feel this is a worthy cause. A petition is an excellent idea, however, I feel 1,250 signatures is an unreasonable number of signatures to obtain. I will get signatures of 60% of the current staff, faculty, and neurologists.

I'm not sure I trust anyone to overtake this task. I was hoping you would feel passionately enough about this issue to become the new driving force behind it. But I will forward this reply to my co-workers, as they may be good candidates, as well. However, I feel they have more important work to focus on.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

-Johnny-

everyone needs a mcdonald's ice cream maker at work.

in our efforts to obtain a mcdonald's ice cream machine at work, ricky bobby and i wrote the following letter to our department's financial officer:

Dear Mr. T -

I am writing to ask for your help in establishing a soft-serve ice cream machine in the kitchen area. I strongly believe having ice cream throughout the day will improve employee morale and increase productivity.

I believe McDonald's soft serve would be the best tasting and most cost-effective option, so long as you purchase a machine that offers the option for chocolate, vanilla, or twist.

To prevent the accumulation of dirty dishes, I feel cones should be the only viable option, in my opinion. Additionally, this will also improve productivity because employees will have one free hand to hold the cone. As most employees are right-handed and would need their right to hold the spoon or use the mouse, this is just not possible. To solve this dilemma, they can simply hold the cone in their left hands leaving their right hands free to do their required work.

This, of course, will be of no cost to employees. Should the department be unable to fund this endeavor, please let me know of other possible funding avenues we can pursue. Employees will obviously be limited to two cones per day, so as they do not gain weight and be unable to perform their required job duties.

Please let me know when I can expect this request to be fulfilled.

Amen.

Johnny Number Five.

things to do at work besides work.

art projects
build paperclip figures
call your homies
dance in your chair
eat!!
facebook
gossip :)
have a textversation
invent things
jerk off
kazoo playing
lurk around the office
make paper airplanes
name your office supplies
order things from the internet
play hide and seek
quietly escape
ride the elevator
sleeeeeeep
think of names for your imaginary children
use your imagination
vaginal exercises
wash your hair
x-rated crossword puzzles
yahtzee!
zone out

no, these are not reminders.

today someone came into my office and said, "wow! that sure is a lot of reminders!" they're not reminders; they're "sign here" flags for all the signtaures i have to obtain. probably almost as obnoxious as reminders.

ADDENDUM: today, may 26, another co-worker just stopped in here and made a comment about all my "sign here" flags.

SIDE NOTE: these flags have been on my monitors for about two years. and i don't think anyone has made comments previously - other than to ask to have one.

he pooted.

a co-worker brought her son to work today. i believe he's around six years old, but i really have no clue. maybe he's 19.

he hung out with ricky bobby and me for awhile. i gave him a piece of paper so he could color.

"i like to draw teeth," he said as he drew some teeth-like images. he said he was drawing a shark. he then began drawing a pirate boat and said, "i love anchors".

somehow we got on the topic of baseball, and ricky bobby asked him what position he plays. "bombs," he said, matter-of-factly.

he went back to drawing the shark and announced, "he pooted". ricky bobby and i cracked up. so he went on. "then he farted. so i kicked him. cut the cheese. farted. cut the cheese. farted."

amazing. we were crying.

a few minutes later he handed ricky bobby one of his pens. ricky bobby said, "gracias!" the little boy said, "i know how to draw grass! and dirt." um... gracias. not grass. oh well.

after about 20 minutes of entertainment, ricky bobby had to go back upstairs to his booth.

the little boy asked me why ricky bobby had to go upstairs. "because he has to do some work," i explained.

the little boy was shocked. "HE WORKS HERE?!" ha.

i hope he comes back to visit soon.