im special.

mr. t just walked by my office and said, "i hope you don't drink my sprite. i wrote my name on it."

he was going to put it in the shared refrigerator. i told him i have no use for that fridge because i have my own in my office. he was shocked and asked when that happened. i told him, "about six months ago."

he was impressed. i told him he could keep his sprite in my refrigerator. he said, "i hope you don't drink it."

i showed him my stock of coke zero and told him i had no use for his sprite.

"you are special," he said as he left.

signs of facebook abuse.

1. "like-ing" something on the same person's wall more than twice a week.
2. pics of exes if you are in a new relationship.
3. clicking the "like" button more than four times per day.
4. changing your birthday as a joke.
5. airing dirty laundry.
6. posting results of std testing.
7. naked pregnant belly pics.
8. drama.
9. more than one post per year about an ailment.
10. ambiguous status updates, i.e. "i just hate it when that happens" or "omg, i didnt see that coming".
11. use of LOL.
12. trolling for sympathy.
13. talking shit on other people without directly calling them out.
14. posting information about other people's lives.
15. posting pics that look like they could be pornographic, only to find out its a close-up of a finger in a knee crack.

mr. t's new year's resolution.

mr. t just came in here and told me he went to the gym this morning. for the second time in december. this is only relevant because we belong to the same gym.

i told him that since he came up with my new year's resolution to be less obnoxious, maybe i could come up with his new year's resolution: to go to the gym more.

he said that sounds like a great idea.

cemetery in wichita.

compliments from mr. t

mr. t just called to go over an agenda. then he said he and the boss need to go to target (wtf?). he asked where target was. i told him. he seemed confused and said he doesn't know that area. i asked if the boss would be driving, and he said yes. i asked if the boss knew where target is, and he said no.

"what would you guys do without me?" i asked.

mr. t said, "nothing. we couldn't do anything without you. you and your very dry sense of humor, your smiling face. youre annoying.... gosh, youre a loser."

wonderful.

deerslayer.

i killed a deer this morning :(

i was on my way to the gym at 5 a.m. i was less than a mile from my house. i saw him coming across from the other lanes, so i slammed on my brakes but still hit him. both headlights still worked, so i turned around and went home and called carl.

when i got home, we got a flashlight but didn't see any damage to my car - just some hair in the grill. we both assumed the deer just ran off. on our way to work, we saw the dead deer on the side of the road. oops.

i lost it. realized how lucky i was. the leftovers in my car spilled. carl thinks i'll have whiplash later. my car 1; deer 0.

how to play devil's advocate.

on the way home from work last night, i was on the phone with carl. he asked my advice on two car-related issues. one was, "my gas light is on; should i stop and get gas or do you think i can make it?"

i suggested he stop to get gas. he decided to try to make it home without stopping. i can't remember what the next advice request was, but he opted again to the do the opposite of what i suggested. so, when he asked my advice for a third time, my reply was simply, "i'm not going to offer my advice anymore because you keep just doing the opposite."

his response? "im just playing devil's advocate".

um.... no.

that's not how playing devil's advocate works.

if i were to ask your advice on something, and you were to help me look at it from another perspective, that is you playing devil's advocate.

but to ask for my advice, and when i give it, you simply do the opposite? no. but thanks for trying. i laughed for about 10 minutes and was in tears.

how to know she's "the one"

unless your wife or future wife flashed you her underpants, took your v-card, and made a marriage pact with you, you are destined for divorce. if more couples met at least two of these three criteria, the divorce rate would be much, much lower. i promise.